Stefan's Diary
by LoveLinny
Summary: Stefan's diary entries from recent episodes. What I think he might write about.
1. The Travelers (5x17)

March 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

Her voice was the only thing keeping me sane. The travelers wanted information out of me, information I wasn't sure I could give to them. I didn't want them to take too much. I didn't want to forget myself again.

Images of my doppelganger self came into my head. Tom, he was standing by an ambulance as a woman approached. I felt the travelers going deeper. It was uncomfortable, it hurt. She was on the phone, she was listening. I could hear her saying my name, talking to me, and I could how upset she was. I didn't want her to hear this, but I'm glad I was hearing her. Caroline, without her voice telling me she was there I don't know if I wouldn't held on…

Later, when she came back she found me in an old train car. God, it was good to see her. I was alone surrounded by unfamiliar faces all day; a friendly face was nice. She came in and laid next to me, and I told it was good to see her. She told me that Enzo had killed Tom. I was a little angry about it, but not at her. She didn't kill him, just like I knew she wouldn't. I told her that. That I know she wouldn't because that's who she is. She's… her. She moved closer to me, rested her head on my shoulder. It didn't feel strange, it felt like the most normal thing in the world. And that's how we fell asleep.

When we woke up though, she was facing away from me. We were cuddling, I was holding her hand. She woke up soon after I did and I quickly moved my hand. Maybe she didn't notice, but she turned her head to me. Then we heard it. The travelers were doing something. We got up, went to check it out. They were drinking the blood they had taken from Elena and I and they were catching on fire. We had to get out of there. I grabbed Caroline's hand and lead the way out. Now we're back my house. She's asleep in the room next to mine and I can't stop thinking about how we woke up...


	2. Perfect Life (5x18)

Dear Diary,

I saw the life I wanted. The normal human life with Elena. It felt so real and so close; I could almost touch it. In fact it felt like I was touching it, touching her. Elena and I had a life, a family. We were happy. We had a family, she had her family back. I'd do anything to give her a happy life again, it was after all my fault a lot of this stuff came into her life.

It was a perfect life, but it wasn't real. Elena and I, we're over. The only reason we saw all of this was because we're the last doppelgangers, but that doesn't mean we are going to end up together just because "the universe" says we will. Damon makes Elena happy now. It's my turn to move on, maybe I have. Maybe I've moved on without even realizing it…

I knew the dreams/visions weren't real and I wanted them to stop, even though they were nice. I didn't want to think of her that way anymore. Maybe because it hurt to, maybe because I didn't feel anything. I will always love her, I told her that. I'll always do what I can to protect her, but not in the way I used to. She's not mine anymore, maybe she never was. But we both have agreed it's done, over and probably not going to happen unless "the universe" has something to do with it.

I do wish I could have a family though. Maybe not with Elena, but someone. I want a family again, but that's not really an option with vampires. The whole white picket fence, two kids, and a dog isn't in a vampire's story. It's stupid but I used to think about it. When I felt alone I'd make up my perfect life and for a bit it'd feel real. Then I'd remember it wasn't. I was a vampire. I wouldn't have a wife or kids. I'd be lucky if I'd find a girlfriend who was willing to put up with all of this. At least I have one person I know I can count on right now.


	3. Jealously (5x20)

Dear Diary,

She thought Elena and I were sneaking off to make out? Even writing it sounds completely false. What was going on with Caroline? Was she jealous? No, of course not. She was just worrying about me. Then again she seemed a little mad when she thought that Elena and I were back together...

I'm getting ahead of myself. Elena, Damon, Caroline, and I were staying at Caroline's dad's old cabin. Luke is was useing magic to block the travelers power to find us. Then Enzo got in the way. I should have let him pull away from me. I shouldn't feel guilty. He made the choice. He killed himself. I couldn't have stopped it, right? But now we're in danger. He took Luke, made him stop the spell. He set the old wood shed on fire with Luke, Damon, and I inside. We all made it out, which is good.

Now, back to Caroline. She doesn't think I trust her. Of course I trust her, more than anyone actually. I wished see that. She was the only one really there for me when I lost my memory. I trusted her then, when I wasn't even sure I knew who she was. There's just something about her. She's so true to herself. She needs to see the way everyone else looks at her. She's one of the strongest people I know. I'd do anything for her and I know she'd do the same. That sometimes worries me. If the travelers come after us, I'm going to keep her away. I know she'll protest, but she needs to be safe. They all do. If the travelers want someone. They can have me.


	4. Out of Body Experience (5x21)

(Sorry I didn't post this last week. I meant too. This one is going to be a little different for obvious reasons since I am going along with the show. This isn't going to be an actual written entry. Instead it's what Stefan is thinking when he comes back as ghost to see Caroline crying over his body.)

Dear Diary...

That's what I should be writting now, but instead I'm looking at my own body lying on the pavement. I saw this coming, I should have fought harder. Julian was stronger than I anticipated Caroline tried to stop him, but he turned to her. I had to stop him. I couldn't let anything happen to her, I promised.

Now, she was sitting with my lifeless body in her lap. I wish I could talk to her, tell her I was okay. All I could do was watch as she screamed for help. She knew as well as I did that no one could help me now. "Someone help me" she cried out and I flinched. Seeing her like this, sad and broken, made something inside me feel dead. Of course I already was, in more ways than one. I wanted to go to her, touch her, but I couldn't. That's what hurt the most. Not getting my ripped out, but seeing her crying over me like this. I wanted to make her stop, hold her in my arms and tell her I was okay. That she would be okay.

She wasn't screaming anymore. She held my head in her lap and her tears fell onto my face. She was whispering now. "Please, I can't lose you. This is all my fault, I'm so sorry." I had to shut my eyes. She can't blame herself of this. She has to know it's not her fault. The alternative was her death, and it couldn't live with myself if I had let that happen.

I had promised her, when she turned, I would keep her safe. I meant it. At the time I didn't know how much she'd end up meaning to me. She become my best friend, my "new Lexi" I guess you could say, only she's so much more than that. I had told her she reminded me of someone when she once asked why I was nice to her. And at the time maybe that's why I was okay with getting so close to her. I missed Lexi all the time of course, and Caroline seemed to fill that space. Only when we became closer, I realized she'd never be Lexi. No one could take Lexi's place, that's for sure. Caroline, though, she's special.

She's stronger than I ever was when I first turned into a vampire. Yes, she killed someone that first night, but that's natural and she felt horrible. She never killed again, except when the situation needed it. She kept her promise to me, she never let me lose control. There was something about her that made you want to be good. When she smiled you wanted to smile back. She's so good at being alive that even though she isn't no one would know. I wish she was smiling now. I can't take this anymore.

I know she can't see me, can't feel me, but I have to go to her. I walk up to my body laying there and her siting beside it. I take a seat next to her. I touch her hair, her back, and I move my hand down to her hand. I wish I could feel this. I wish she could feel this to know I'm here. I'm never going to leave her. I will fight off this destruction of this side if that means I get to see her. And all I can do is hope. Hope that she will be okay and that Bonnie really will be able to bring us all back.


	5. I'm Alive (5x22)

Dear Diary,

I'm alive, but I haven't felt more dead inside. I've lost Lexi, again, and I lost Damon. I lost my brother. I shouldn't have left him. I feel so guilty for crossing over and leaving him alone on the other side. The other side that's falling apart and taking everyone with it. Who knows where he will end up. And Lexi too. Two of the people I care most about are dead and I can't do anything but wonder what's going to happen to them.

We couldn't go back to Mystic Falls, because there is barely anything left. We found an old house outside of town. Only on older woman lives here. Caroline compelled her to let us stay here. She's the only one in the right state of mind at the moment. It took some convincing to get her to leave me alone for a little while, but maybe I need her here. There's only four empty rooms here. I can hear Elena and Jeremy, both grieving over the lose of Damon and Bonnie and I can't take it. I feel like I'm going insane. I thought I wanted to be alone right now, but I'm not sure anymore. I want Caroline. If anyone is going to help me get through this I know she can. I'm feeling too much all at once and it's going to take a lot for me not to turn it off. But I know I can't. I need to feel this. I need to remember.

I will find a way to bring my brother back. There has to be a way and I will find it. I know he'd do the same for me. I can't let him down. I'll bring him back, for me and for Elena. She's crying. She hasn't stopped, and really neither have I. I'm just better at hiding it. But Caroline, she knows I need her. That I'm not okay, because right now she's knocking on my door and asking if she can come in. Just when I need her, she's there.


	6. Voicemails (6x01)

Dear Diary,

I've been in this town for little over a month now, and I've finally given up. I'm never going to find a way to bring them back, so this is my new life. I've got an okay job with a crappy boss. At least he gets a lot of business to keep my mind busy and focused on something other than what happened. So, when it comes down to it I guess it's not too bad.

I met a girl too, Ivy, and I guess you could say she's my only real friend here. She keeps my mind busy too, but I know it's not real. I can't be myself with her, she can't know who I really am. I told her I was a vampire, knowing she would think I was joking. I can't tell her anything about my family, because I don't have any left. I can't tell her about my friends, because thinking about them hurts.

Elena called today. I knew I shouldn't have answered, but I did. She asked me to give her hope that Damon could come back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie to her when she needs to move on. Mostly, I couldn't give her hope because I don't have any left to give.

I got another call today too, and as hard as it is for me too keep ignoring them I know I have too. I can't hear her voice. I know the moment I do I'll be running home, or wherever she is. I've deleted every voicemail she has left with a heavy heart and tears threatening to fall. This time my emotions weren't under control and my phone suffered for it. Maybe my phone being crushed will be a good thing. I can't ignore calls I don't receive. I can be alone, but is that what I really want?


	7. My Fault (6x02)

Dear Diary,

I knew something was wrong. Ivy had walked in and told me she met some of my friends. I wanted to believe it was a mistake. No one here knew me. I wanted it to be a misunderstanding, but the look on her face and the feeling in my stomach told me a different story. Right then Enzo came walking through my door. I could have handled just him, but he wasn't alone. Caroline came walking in right behind. Seeing her, the person I knew I had hurt the most, triggered the memories I had tried so desperately to bury.

Back home Elena was having Alaric wipe her memories of Damon. She needed to get over him too, and if this was the only way I guess I'd have to be okay with that. I overheard Caroline on the phone telling Ric that Elena had fallen in love with Damon when she was with me. I knew it was true, but that didn't stop it from hurting any less. After the awkward dinner, that I'd rather forget, and that I didn't think the night could get any worse. That's where I was wrong.

Caroline found out I didn't listen to her messages. The hurt on her face made me want to comfort her, but I knew she was too mad. She walked out and I knew I should have followed, but I let her go. When Enzo finally woke up (yeah, I kind of snapped his neck) he left without a word. I thought they had left. Then Enzo came storming back in angry that I had made Caroline cry, and honestly I was mad at myself. Long story short he killed Ivy. No, I didn't love her. I did care about her and it was my fault she was murdered. Everything always seems to be my fault, but I will get revenge.


	8. I Still Care (6x03)

Dear Diary,

Well, I did it. I got my revenge, but I don't feel as good as I thought I would. I let Enzo be handed over to a vampire hunter. Yes, there is another vampire hunter in town. I don't think I can leave again, not right now, since I know Elena, Ric, and Caroline could be in trouble. I might not be acting like it, but I still care about them. I wish Caroline could understand that.

She came to me, Caroline, was practically begging me to stay. She was so upset and all I wanted to do was touch her, tell it was okay, but I couldn't. She doesn't see the hold she has on me. I can't really blame her I haven't been acting like a friend. There's a reason I couldn't listen to her voicemails and I couldn't stay there in the woods with her. If I go back to the way things were with her, I'd never be able to leave again even if I wanted too.

Part of me just wants to erase the last few years of my life. If I hadn't come to Mystic Falls. If I hadn't met Elena Gilbert. I wouldn't be the cause of so much pain.


	9. Looking Up (6x04-06)

**_Haven't updated in a few episodes. Sorry guys... _**

Dear Diary,

Where do I even start. It's been awhile…

Ivy, my dead ex girlfriend, turned out to have Enzo's blood in her system when she died making her a vampire. That's right a newbie vampire. I took her to the only person I trust, Caroline. Only things got way out of hand and Ivy ended up getting herself captured by Tripp and well, the end to that story isn't very nice.

I did try leaving again, twice actually. I went back to Savannah to find Ivy, having to bring her back of course, and I tried leaving once I gave her to Caroline. Caroline… After the mess I made she doesn't want to be friends anymore, and I can't blame her. That doesn't mean I don't miss her though, and I will do whatever I can to get her back.

And most importantly, Damon is back. I finally have my brother back. It's funny isn't it? All things he did to me and everything we've been through you'd think having him back in my life would be the worst thing. Maybe it's because he's all the family I have left or the oldest person alive I know, but I need him in my life. I need my big brother and I'm not ashamed to admit that. It's finally looking up. Everything is slowly getting better.


	10. She Hates Me (6x07)

Dear diary,

She hates me, or so she says. A part of me can't stop thinking about what Enzo had to say though. Could she really hate me because she doesn't hate me al all? I don't know how I missed it. No, that's a lie. I know how I missed it, after all the signes were there and even Lexi (who was on the other side) saw it. I was just too stupid and blind to see what was happening right in front of me.

To her I was worth it, but to myself I was nothing. Elena had picked my brother, and after the same situation with Katherine all those years ago I guess a part of me was afraid. Falling in love has never worked out in my favor. If I let myself have those feelings for her, for my best friend, and things didn't end well it have killed me. Maybe that's why I didn't let myself see it, but I should have.

She thinks if I felt anything for her that I wouldn't have left. What she doesn't know is that she was the only one that could have brought me back. Leaving was best for me, wasn't it? And if I had answered any of her calls or listened to any voicemail she left, I would have dropped everything and went back. Maybe leaving wasn't the best choice, but I felt alone and I needed to see what was out there. Maybe I should have came back when I gave up, but I wasn't taking straight. I should have know Caroline would have been there for me though it all, and I should have been smart enough to let her.

If I would have just seem it. If I would have let myself open up to her more. Everything might be different. She might not hate me. I might not be alone in a small apartment wishing for her to forgive me and be by my side. I have a lot of making up to do, but I know one thing I won't let our friendship be over. She is right it is my fault that it is ruined, but I won't lose her. I can't.


	11. Friendsgiving? (6x08)

Happy Thanksgiving Diary,

How did I spend my Thanksgiving, or Friendsgiving as she called it, you ask? Hunting down this mysterious device that could bring Bonnie home. It's what they had over, well wherever Bonnie and Damon had been, that brought Damon home. Damon thought he knew where it was in our world, only he was wrong. We traveled miles to find out that this "ascendant" that we needed was with Jo (get this; she's Kai, Liv, and Luke's sister) back where we started.

We also found out that the Gemini Coven (Liv, Luke, and family) have been hiding in plain sight all this time. Which, is very smart actually. All this information has given us all hope that Bonnie can come back too. Damon seems to be solely focused on getting her out of that prison as he calls it, and of course getting Elena back. I'm not sure happened between Bonnie and my brother, but I know he cares more about than he ever has. I guess only having each other for four months would bring them closer.

Needless to say I had a busy day so seeing her at the end of it, Caroline, even if she was still mad at me mad it better. She hadn't invited me to her Friendsgiving dinner, but did I honestly this she would? I haven't been a good friend friend to her, but that didn't stop her from giving me some leftovers. "Just because I hate you doesn't mean I want you to starve." Those are the words she spoke to me, but I could hear it in her voice she didn't mean it. Or maybe I just don't want to believe that she could actually hate me. I had to tell her. Try to get her to understand. I told her why I had to push her away. Her reaction told me that's what she's needed, and I can't figure out why I didn't tell her sooner. I just want her back. I want to be able to call her at all hours and hear her positive voice letting me know everything will be okay.


	12. Feeling Helpless (6x10-11)

Dear Diary,

I have come across many forms of evil in my long life that I have been able to defeat, but this I can't stop. I felt helpless watching my best friend cry over the news of her mother's brain tumor. I hated having to give her that news, but I had to be the one. She needs to know that I am going to be there for her, like I should have been this whole time.

That's the main reason I went to Duke with her. Yes, I wanted to check on Sarah, but I knew she might need me. The thought of her going alone scared me for some reason. Like she'd find out bad news and would need me to keep her strong. I've been doing everything I can for Liz and Caroline. I want them both to know that if they need anything I'll be there.

Caroline thinks she found the cure. Our blood. I have my doubts, and I wish I didn't. She seems so happy that she thinks she can save her mom, and I hope she can. I saw her smile again, a real smile, and I never want to see it fade.


	13. It didn't work (6x12)

Dear Diary,

It didn't work. The one thing I wanted so badly to be wrong about, I was right. Vampire blood doesn't cure cancer, in fact it speeds it up. That information didn't come fast enough, and there she was thinking she killed her mom. I wanted to take that thought away from her, and if she was human I might not have been able to stop myself from doing just that. I couldn't compel her, but I could try my best to stop her from having more to regret.

I knew exactly what she was doing, because I had done the same thing. She was trying to avoid her mom, to avoid what was happening. When my mom was sick, I thought ignoring the situation would somehow make it disappear. Of course, I had been wrong. I knew how that felt, and I didn't want her going through it. So, I shared that story with her. I told Caroline something about my mom. I hadn't even done that with Elena.

Once I told her, she took my hand like I was the one needing comfort. Maybe I did, and that is just the person Caroline Forbes is. Even though she is going through this hard time, she stopped to comfort me. I think she did it for her too, she needed my touch as much as I wanted hers.

She agreed to go back to the hospital, but when we got there we thought it was too late. She was so heartbroken, and I longed to go to her. I didn't, I knew she needed to be by her mother. Just when I thought Liz was really gone she opened her eyes. I breathed a sigh of relief. Not for me, but for Caroline.

I had a few moments alone with Liz that night. She made me promise to take care of Caroline when she's gone. A part of me wonders is she just needed to hear it out loud, because she had to know I was already planning on it. I would never dream of leaving Caroline, again, when she needs me the most. I wont make that mistake twice.


	14. It Felt Natural (6x13)

Dear Diary,

She's all I can seem to write about anymore, because she's all I can focus on anymore. Whatever it is she's doing I have this need to be there, and it's not because I made that promise to Liz. Nor is it because of the promise I had made to Caroline herself the night she turned. Something has changed between us, or maybe it's always been there and I just couldn't see it before. I see it now.

We had a moment, while searching for a teddy bear 9 year old Caroline buried. We were so close, I thought that if either of us were to take another step our lips would touch, but then she turned away and I knew it wasn't a kiss she needed. She needed me to be more of a friend in that moment. I couldn't let her walk away. I stopped her, something I should have done awhile ago. I couldn't stop myself from brushing her tear away. I couldn't take it. I pulled her into me and just held her. Having her in my arms felt like the most natural thing in the world, I just wished she wasn't crying


	15. A Loss For Words (6x14)

Dear Diary,

Caroline had decided that her mother's final moments should be spent at their cabin. Of course I had offered to go along and help get it ready. I knew it was just going to be the two of us, and I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping this feeling to myself. I was hoping that getting away, even though the reason wasn't so great, would help her.

So was so worried about the little things. She always had to be in control of it all. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but I knew it was all taking a toll on her. I did anything I could to help. When everything was perfect, we finally had time to spend together. She stood on her porch next to me, and the closeness was getting to my head. I took her hand in mine, it fit so perfectly. Her scent was intoxicating and I knew I couldn't hold back. Slowly, our lips found each other. I could tell at first she was hesitant, after all I was too, but then she was kissing me back. It felt right, but at the same time confusing. When we broke apart I was at a loss for words, but she begged for them. I knew what she wanted to hear, but it wasn't the right time.

We were in our own little world, gazing into each other's eyes, but we were soon interrupted. My phone rang from my pocket, it was Damon. Caroline could tell by the look on my face that it was bad. We raced to the hospital, but Liz had slipped into a comma. Caroline was devastated, and all I wanted to do was stop her pain. I told her that she could still say goodbye. I talked her through the steps of entering entering her mom's memories. Now all we could do was wait.


End file.
